Get
Psyched TEENS
October
2002
This
edition is about ANGER. The irony of anger is that, on the one
hand, its job is to protect, but on the other hand, when its uncontrolled
and held inside without an outlet, anger can destroy.
Healthy or dysfunctional?
by Diane Litynski, PhD
For the last two hours, my day has been broken by the yelling,
swearing, and threats of violence and physical abuse from a neighboring
apartment house. In the past, I've called 9-1-1: after a beer
party that resulted in a gang fight, and a yelling bout that turned
into a stabbing. I'm tempted to call the police again, but they’ll
ask, "Disturbing the peace? Gang fight? Domestic abuse?"
I can't place the call. These perpetrators are just eight years
old.
About anger
What's anger? What's anger management? Many hear anger management
and immediately think therapy and counseling sessions, anger support
groups, and years of psychoanalysis. Individuals given to intense
anger aren't easily moved to these options. The nature of anger1
is a common, healthy, human-wide emotion. It is instinctive behavior
and is used to protect either the self or the species: people
we love. Anger releases “anger hormones” adrenaline
and noradrenaline in both the perpetrator (person who is angry)
and the victim (person receiving the anger): Heart rates increase,
muscles constrict, blood pressure rises. Even after the threat
passes, the energy build-up is still present in both parties.
Three primary processes exist to reduce the energy level: express
it, suppress & redirect it, or calm it. All can be beneficial,
given a clear understanding of the situation and, if necessary,
good ol' rote practice and behavior training. However, when the
response to reduce the energy is not controlled, dysfunctional
behavior occurs - drug abuse, eating disorders, domestic violence,
even suicide and homicide.
Dysfunction in the school yard
My first experience with anger "mismanagement" in school
occurred when I was five. Exiting the kindergarten school bus,
two boys forced me to go with them into the woods. One held me;
one kissed me. It happened two more times, only I asked the boys
to hit me instead of kiss me - a torment that seemed easier to
tolerate. My parents had taught me to “just ignore”
my older siblings' teasing. So, I used the same “mismanaged”
method of suppressing my anger in response to the bullies. And,
by the age of 15, I was well in the throws of anorexia nervosa.
Dr.
Laura DeHaan2 relates that much of anger management techniques
begin in the schoolyard - the grade-school yard. Her studies have
shown that by second grade, at the age of seven, 20% of students
have been victims of bullying, and an equal number have been perpetrators.3
Not surprisingly, the behavior of a bully is from anger that has
grown within. Mismanaged anger hurts both the bully and the bullied.
The tragedy at Columbine High School was catastrophic, but it
only begins to show the extent by which hurt and untreated anger,
or "anger-mismanagement" - can climb. At Columbine,
Harris' and Klepold's rage mirrors the tragic circumstances centering
around the Oklahoma Federal Building bombing and subsequent death
sentence of Timothy McVeigh, and even the hatred of Americans
by Al-Quida and affiliated factions. Anger starts small. And grows,
and grows and GROWS if “mismanaged”.
1American Psychological Association, PsyNET 2002, www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html,
24 May 2002.
2DeHaan, Laura. (1997) Bullies, FS-570, February. www.ext.novak.edu.
3Ib id
Managing
your anger energy
EXPRESS
As the word implies, this means talking about your angry feeling,
but in an ASSERTIVE WAY (As opposed to “aggressive way”
which is much too pushy) But before you can assert yourself successfully,
you need to figure out a few things:
1. How can I express my needs in the clearest way possible?
2. How can my needs be met without hurting others?
After you are clear about the answers to these questions, then
go and “express” these to the person. But you also
need to know that there is no guarantee that the person will be
anymore agreeable than before. (Is he or she mismanaging anger?
CALM
If you know how to make your INSIDES calm (slowing your heart,
etc.) your behavior will change. Try breathing like a Yoga instructor
teaches, “Deeply, from your stomach!. Fill your body with
air from the stomach up.” While you are focusing on this,
say a calming word or phrase to yourself (e.g. calm is good) or
create a picture of a scene which makes you relax and smile
.
SUPPRESS & RE-DIRECT
“Suppression” is OK when you re-direct your anger
in a constructive way by focusing on something positive—like
shooting basketballs until you’re actually smiling again.
Unless it is outwardly expressed, anger energy will turn inward.
Holding it inside or ignoring it can cause emotional damage. In
Diane’s case, the anger she felt at 5 years old (and presumably
at 6, 7, 8, 9, etc.) turned inside and by the time she became
a teenager, she began hurting herself with a serious eating disorder—anorexia
nervosa. Psychiatric disorders—mental illnesses—can
happen from the horrible stress caused by of ignoring your pain.
What’s
the motive?
Do you know people (including yourself)
…. who keep criticizing and putting people down?
…. whose idea of “getting back” at someone is
to have someone else do it?
…. whose anger constantly gets them in trouble? Ruins friendships?
Makes their life harder?
Of
course you do. These are just a few examples of humans mismanaging
their anger. If you recognized yourself in these questions and
you feel as though your anger is way out of control and is hurting
important parts of your life, please find help to so you can learn
better ways to deal with your anger. Ask an adult you love and
trust for guidance. (And congratulations for having the courage
and honesty to see yourself in a not-so-pretty light!)
When I’m angry, I
(please finish the sentence) ……..
Express it?* B. Calm it? C. Suppress & Redirect it?*
If you answered “Express it” and/or “Calm it”,
you are probably doing OK. If you answered “Suppress &
Redirect it” you may be holding it in and this can be harmful
to you. But read on...you’re not alone in suppressing your
anger. Most of us need to learn more about expressing and calming
our anger. Positively expressing what you feel takes courage.
Why? Because, deep inside, people want to be accepted and “positive
expression of your anger” might mean being excluded by the
person/people you’re talking to. Learning what’s more
important to you—and your health—is a process so,
please, keep trying. What is best for YOU will always be important.
*EXPRESS: to make known in WORDS
**SUPPRESS: to hold back, to keep from conscious awareness.
THE
HARD PART
Expressing anger in a positive way
This can be the hardest part because in order to get to a “positive
place” there are a few REALITIES you need to accept.
REALTY ONE
Sometimes, you can’t get rid of, or avoid, the things or
the people that enrage you.
REALITY TWO
You can’t change people. Each person has the responsibility
to change him or herself.
REALITY THREE
You can learn to control your emotions.
There
are a lot of adults who still mismanage their anger and their
lack of control hurts others too, BUT the REALITY IS “you
can’t change another person” and if you want a better
life for yourself (and the world actually) you need to
1.) recognize you need help and
2.) find it.
Respect yourself
Sometimes the Road gets Rocky
ADVICE FROM THE FIELD
By Linda Donovan, CSWR, Caleo
Counseling Services
Q- I’ve been with my boyfriend for three months now. In
the beginning, he acted like he loved me-calling all the time
and going out on Friday nights. Lately, he’s been acting
pretty rude and mean. When we’re together it’s as
though he doesn’t even like me. I try to be what he wants,
but it’s never enough or I just can’t help myself
from saying what I think about how he’s behaving and then
I make him angry. Last Friday night, he started tickling me even
though I’ve told him I hate it. He just laughed and kept
it up until I screamed in his ear. That’s when he hit me.
He said I made him do it and I guess I shouldn’t have screamed.
What can I do to make him treat me nice again? “Do I need
to try harder?”
A- First, let me begin by responding with an emphatic NO!!! No,
you do not need to try harder and I will tell you why. The behaviors
you describe perfectly illustrate an abusive relationship—one
that is based on fear and power and control rather than mutual
care, concern and respect. It is very rare that abusers start
off as abusive. Most relationships that become dangerous and painful
in both emotional and physical ways start off as loving and caring.
The idea is that once a person starts to rely on, and feel close,
to the other person and once the “honeymoon period”
wears off, the abusive side to a person may begin to show itself.
Often times, the start of an abuse cycle may be very subtle, such
as the person criticizing you because they “want to help
you better yourself.” An abusive person might then try to
influence you to spend all your time with him and attempt to isolate
you from your family and friends. Their motive is to make you
more dependent on them so there will be fewer observers of the
abuse who may encourage you to get away from that person. Eventually,
this can lead to severe verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
Please know that abuse is not only hitting. Verbal and emotional
abuse can leave deep and long-lasting scars long after bruises
have faded.
The
bottom line is NOBODY that hurts you repeatedly, deserves to have
a place in your life. The teenage years are one of the most difficult
times in a person’s life. It’s time for YOU to be
your own BEST FRIEND. If you wouldn’t want to see your friend
in an abusive relationship, why then would you keep yourself in
it? Life is too short to be with men or women who claim to love
you while making you feel so bad about yourself. In actuality,
these people feel very low about themselves and they attack others
as a way to feel superior. Now, this doesn’t mean you should
try to “fix them”. He or she is the only person who
can change himself/herself. So tell him and show him that you
value yourself by refusing to continue in the relationship. Tell
him he needs help with his self-esteem before he can positively
relate to another person. If you are afraid of repercussions from
this person, confide in a trusted adult who can help you. And
then once you are out of this situation, don’t think about
how you “caused” this person to hit you, rather think
about why you believe that you deserve this kind of “love”
that only hurts.
Is your road rocky??? Ask for help! Write to
Linda at “Rocky Roads” c/o Linda Donovan, AMH, 3043
State Rt. 4, Hudson Falls, NY 12839. Or Email your question to:
linda@wwamh.org. You can
also ask Linda a question by clicking on “Ask
the Therapist.”
The
nuts and bolts of this information on anger came from General
Mental Health Issues, National Mental Health Association, www.nmha.org.
Fact sheets are available on many other issues too.
